So What If My Boys Are Adopted…

Before I say anything else, let me make an opening confession… This is an incredibly emotional and difficult post for me to write. So forgive me if I get a little carried away at points, or if something might come across a little too strongly.

I am a blogger, and while that may not seem like much to some people, it works for me. I spend a fair bit of my time writing about family (mainly my own), and my experiences of raising children. I share my views honestly, and bravely divulge things that I would otherwise choose to keep private… I am comfortable to write about most things concerning my family – however messy they may be. But still, there are a handful of things that I keep close to my heart. This is one of them…

The fact that my boys are adopted.

Not because I want to avoid the conversation (they know that they’re adopted). Not because I feel self-conscious about it either (we celebrate their adoption every chance we get). Not even because I think it should be a private matter (there are many people who know their story, and we share it freely when the moment calls for it).

So why is it that I don’t write about the story of their adoption often, or share their story too widely on public platforms? Well, precisely because it is their story… You see, it’s not my story to tell! It’s theirs.

There is a peculiar thing that happens when people learn that your children are adopted. It (their adoption) becomes a characteristic landmark that somehow distinguishes your family from most others. And that frustrates me deeply. In fact, it pisses me off, if I’m honest – which I should be. Yes, my boys are adopted… But so what? It doesn’t define them. It doesn’t define our family. We are exactly that … a FAMILY!

Nothing more, nothing less. Imagine entering a room and having to announce: “these are my biological boys”. It’s absurd! No one would do that. In the same way, we shouldn’t deem it necessary to point out or announce the adoption of our sons whenever we introduce them to other people (and we don’t).

What makes this even more problematic is what (usually) follows on the announcement that our sons are adopted. Suddenly everyone becomes an expert in family dynamics… people feel compelled to share their views on how tough adoption must be, or how they would deal with it – because they know, since they thought about adopting once. For the life of me, I cannot understand why people think they can jump on in and ask personal questions, insinuate background-stories or jump to conclusions? Let me illustrate… when my boys fight it has nothing to do with their adoption – despite the fact that it gives others a convenient back-story to describe their robust boy-ish behavior – they are probably punching each other because there is a perfectly normal dispute over whose turn it is, or over who had the toy first.

My boys are not defined by their adoption anymore than other boys are defined by the fact that they are not. It in no way predicts their future, or holds them hostage.  It cannot be a crutch, and may NEVER be used as justification for the choices they make. It is part of their story, but it does not determine the outcome of their story. They are a product of their own choices, as are all my children. FULL STOP!

And one more thing… It doesn’t make me a better person just because I adopted my sons. They’re not rescue puppies! I’m no hero – trust me! I’m just a plain Jane that wanted a family, and I was blessed enough to have been given one. A LARGE one!! My family defines ME! My family saved ME! My children are not lucky to have me, I am beyond fortunate to have them!!!

There is no separation between my children. NONE! They all drive me nuts, they all burst my heart with pride, and each and every one of them brings a love that cannot be described in words. They have names, none with the prefix of adopted or biological.

Let me wrap up this post by sharing with you what the HULK said when we first told them their story. We had a family meeting around the dinner table. Sir(6). Hulk(5). Bum(3). Daisy(1). You can imagine the emotions flooding my soul. After my husband and I were done – Hulk looked at us and said.

“So mom, when we were babies, we grew in another tummy. Not in your tummy, like Bum and Daisy. But when we were born God decided to give us to you and Pappa,  and that makes us a family”

No explanation needed. One of our proudest moments as parents. If it can be so simple for a child, why can’t it be like that for everyone. We are a family. However we came together does not matter. What matters is that we are bonded in love.

With Love

One Messy Mama


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58 thoughts on “So What If My Boys Are Adopted…

  1. Amazing! And you know what, I am the proud oumie (grandmother) of these adopted boys and love them with all my heart. I am blessed in abundance to be able to be a part of their lives.

  2. What a beautiful post. I don’t really feel qualified to give my opinion, given that I’ve never adopted a child, but I love your outlook on this. Xx

  3. Not flesh of my flesh, not none of my bone but still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute, you didn’t grow under my heart but in it.

    The poem I was given by my parents when I was old enough to understand

  4. What a wonderful heart felt post! I love this ❤ There is no “normal” when it comes to family, family is based off of love and what you make it, not where you came from. I love your honesty and your outlook. Well said

  5. I agree about the hero complex people have about adoption – you don’t go into that extremely complex situation thinking that you’re going to “save” someone. You do it because you want to be a family. Obviously you’re doing something right if the kids are so happy and comfortable!

  6. A lovely post and very well said! I agree with Shelby says above. There is no “normal” when it comes to family. Every family is different and that is what makes them family #FortheloveofBLOG

  7. I love your post, I love your thoughts and I love Hulk’s explanation!
    By the way, who tell’s us what’s normal or not??….. I don’t understand some people and opinions….
    You are a beautiful family full of love and respect! That’s great!!
    Thank you for sharing!!!

  8. This is best post I have read this year so far your honesty is awesome and I totally agree with everything you say what’s does it matter love is all that counts and you obviously have huge amounts of that thank you for sharing such a beautiful post Thanks for linking to the #THAT FRIDAY LINKY come back next week please

  9. Wow, this is so beautifully written and so candid. Amazing post. You’re so right in what you say, the fact your boys are adopted doesn’t define you, it defines nothing. #globalblogging

  10. Powerful post. You really are a beautiful family. The only thing that matters is love in the family, not the biological facts. What your son said is the core of that love and there’s nothiing left to add. Reading it, made me cry – of joy because you can feel the love coming trough his lines!xx #globalblogging

  11. A beautiful piece, as emotional to read as it must have been to write. And it sounds like Hulk has a wise head on those young shoulders, you must be doing it right!

  12. Touching. Thanks for sharing this. I always imagined myself as an adoptive mum. Having two on my own, I’m still considering adoption when these two a little bit bigger.

  13. This is such a heartwarming post . You found each other and the paths you took to get there – both you and your partner as well as them – must have been tough. But you’re spot on – you’re a family and that’s all that matters. #globalblogging

  14. You preach it! So well put. Couldn’t agree more. Sounds like you have a wonderful family. My sister is adopted and it’s so funny how people make a thing of it like we are anything other than just normal sisters. #GlobalBlogging

  15. This is a great post. It made me well-up at the end. ‘Out of the mouths of babes’, as they say. Thank you for being brave enough to share your experiences when you admit it is not easy. What a great family you are. #GlobalBlogging

  16. This is a truly beautiful post Jacqui. And I love love love the way Hulk summed it all up… just goes to show what wonderful parents you’ll are, and how lovingly you’ll have brought up your family!
    PS: Big, big congratulations on the ‘It’s a boy’ news!!! Best always.

  17. It’s probably part ignorance and part interest. I don’t think people mean to be rude about adoption. Sometimes you just want to know more about it. But you reiterating how it is will definitely help. People are blind to others feelings sometimes.

    Sally @ Life Loving

  18. I am actually welling up a bit reading this!!! you summed it up perfectly when you wrote “My children are not lucky to have me, I am beyond fortunate to have them!!!”
    Thank you for sharing such a personal part of your childrens life with us. Hulk is a wise little man!! #globalblogging

  19. Hello Jacqui

    I’m glad to see such a loving family. Most loving parents comprehend the enormous impact that their love, particularly maternal love, has upon the healthy development of young children. However, we live in a society that will praise any nurturing in order to de-emphasize the importance of maternal love. In fact, we rarely hear much about maternal love these days. We often hear, instead, about the antithesis of maternal love, the kind of hatred that leads to mothers hurting or even killing their children. Maternal love, in other words, is taken for granted, misunderstood, or plainly abused.

    Best of luck to you and your family.

  20. Children see things as they really are. They just cut through the crap.We fostered for a couple of years and I found it very difficult and we have bowed out for a while.The whole process made me want to adopt instead and we are thinking seriously about it at the mo .Your family sounds very special and full of love xx

  21. What a beautiful post, summed up so nicely and necessarily by your Hulk. Children are wise, and we need t always remember that. You have one beautiful family. Enjoy every loving, hateful, screaming, cuddly moment with each and every one. You earned the mama title easily! #GlobalBlogging

  22. I loved reading this, so much so that I clicked across to read more of your posts before I remembered that I need to come back as I wanted to say thank you for linking up with #fortheloveofBLOG this week!

    Your children sound like people you should be incredibly proud of. No one should be defined by their history, only their choices. x

  23. Oh god, that final sentence from Hulk had me welling up. Adoption is amazing and I know you said you don’t see it as anything other than a desire to want a family but it really is something special and takes a a certain type of person. x

  24. (Uh oh! I think I had some trouble submitting my comments! Let me try again…)

    This post could be so valuable to so many people. Unfortunately, I think that well-meaning people can still be caught off guard when they hear that a child was adopted so they don’t exactly know how to respond. I believe that when people can’t relate to another’s experience, they may feel the need to say SOMETHING – I don’t know – to show that they are “with you,” perhaps. But the *something* they say isn’t the right thing because they ARE outsiders who *can’t* get it.

    Really helpful stuff…. thank you.

  25. Completely agree, I think it’s similar to asking are you breastfeeding or not, it’s not of anyone’s business and it doesn’t matter which way you feed your baby, whatever is best for you. It shouldn’t matter whether they’re adopted or not! Whoever thinks otherwise is being ignorant. Sorry that sounds harsh but this would make me really angry. You have a beautiful family! #GlobalBlogging

  26. Completely agree, I think it’s similar to asking are you breastfeeding or not, it’s not of anyone’s business and it doesn’t matter which way you feed your baby, whatever is best for you. It shouldn’t matter whether they’re adopted or not! Whoever thinks otherwise is being ignorant. Sorry that sounds harsh but this would make me really angry. You have a beautiful family! #GlobalBlogging

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